A guide to torturing Kon for dummies
by LoliBat
Summary: 2nd of the 'for dummies' series, done by a request from one of my dear reviewers for the 'A guide to torturing Mayuri for dummies' story! -hugs- Rated T for dirty mouth. Karma and Payback must both be girls, because they seem to be pretty pissed off at Ko


A guide to torture Kon for dummies

Disclaimer: -sigh- GET IT IN YOUR FREAKING HEADS PPL!! I. DON'T. OWN. ANYTHING!! Okay, now how 'bout a cup of hot chocolate? –smiles-

Kon: WHHHHYYYY?? Why torture MMEEEE??? Creepy taicho I can understand, but why good me??

Mandy: because I fucking said so! And since I'm the author, if you piss me off, I'll make you relive all this below –points- again, and again, and again!!

Kon: … sadist.

Mandy: -ignore- well enough of my little rant. On with the tor- I mean story!

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Take away his ability to see

Have Rangiku, Rukia, and Orihime file restriction orders against him

Sue him for sexual harassment, and earn lots of money

Give the Kurosakis a new yellow-orange door mat, tie and gag him face down to it, and laugh as he gets tramped on.

Tell Ishida that you have the perfect test subject for his new found dresses

Dare Lilin (or is it Rinrin or what ever) to annoy Kon for a day

Set Pyon (the soul candy that Rukia eats) on him.

Give Ichigo a new mod soul so Kon looses the use of Ichigo for flirting with lady classmates.

Tell Soifong he fancies Yoruichi.

Lead him to Kukaku, and tape the beating he receives for groping her.

Awake the lady shinigami's instincts of pervert hatred, and place him so that he is 'conviniently' the first pervert he saw.

Tell Hitsugaya that Kon thinks Momo is cute.

'Accidentally' slip to Byakuya that he tried numerous times to peek on Rukia.

Give him to Mayuri for a Christmas gift, labeling him a mod soul, so he can't pretend to be a normal teddy bear.

Stuff him full of candy instead of stuffing and use him as a piñata for Yachiru's birthday party.

Warning: upon entry, keep him away form Shunshui at ALL possible costs.

Give him another body, like one of Mayuri's failed experiments.

Posts posters with his picture on it and label it "WANTED, PERVERT TEDDY BEAR ON LOOSE!" and glue it using reiatsu, so he can't tear it down.

Take him to Hueco Mundo and let him meet Haibel, Cirrucci, and Nel in adult form, then watch and enjoy buttered popcorn while he gets pwned by three PMS-ing pervert hating arrancars. (Note to fellow male arracars: never piss off females while PMS-ing; results can be even deadlier than Ulquiorra's Ultimate Bitchslap Attack ©Ulquiorra 2008)

Tell Gin that he's hitting on Matsumoto.

Give Aizen the idea that the Hyogoku can be used to turn mod souls into arrancars as well, and assign Haibel the job of capturing him for experiments.

Stick out your feet and trip him, spilling all of Ulquiorra white face paint.

Create the online throw-a-Kon game in which anyone that throws Kon through the arrancar hole gets 50 points, and 25 if it lands in the arrancar's mouth.

Make a real life recreation of the said game.

Make all the arrancars play it at least once, and make the drunk Kon admit that he did it.

Draw on the arrancar and ex-captains faces and write 'ASSHOLE' over Gin's forehead using a permanent market and place said marker in Kon's hand.

Give him a human gigai and nail him in the nuts.

Spill chocolate syrup all over him and take pictures as he gets swarmed with icky crawly things.

For Naruto fans: use tuskiyomi on him, and make him watch as all the said ladies above swarm over Ichigo instead of him.

For another Naruto fan: take him to Tsunade, and invite Jiraiya over as Kon gets pummeled to the ground. Tell him that this –points to the half-dead Kon- is what will happen if you peek on Tsunade. (killing two birds with one stone)

Amputate a certain precious body part that identifies him as a male.

Tell people in all three worlds that he's pedophilic, and record the incident of Kenpachi being out for his blood.

Tell Yachiru to nickname him ero-shishi (pervert lion)

On midnight Halloween (preferably during a lunar eclipse) and play 'this is Halloween' over and over again while trapping him in a haunted house. Then when he pisses himself due to fear, take a picture of it, and sell it on Ebay.

Tell all the girls that he has the cooties AND is a player.

Cut his subscription to playboy magazine.

For Naruto lovers: take the little green pill out and sell it to the fat lady as an accessory for her runaway cat, Tora.

Leave him in the middle of the ocean, deprived of all female attention.

Turn him over to the Shinigami's women society, and record his great screams of agony.

Tell him that Yumikicha is a girl.

Fill his mind with yoai lemony goodness 24 hours a day.

Infect his brain with dozens of muses, annoying him 24 hours a day, causing him not to get enough sleep.

Sneak in the Kurosaki house and enjoy the show as Kon curls up in fetal position and rocks back and forth due to nightmares of yoai lemons. (they should be used for real torture and interrogation. To the untrained mind, they can be quite devastating.)

Make Urahara alter him so that he wears a red braided wig imitation of Renji while singing and dancing like Pippy Longstocking. (Note to self: Also useful for blackmailing purposes. Another one of those killing two birds with a stone thing.)

Con Rangiku to shouting 'I HATE YOU' to Kon for a bottle of fine sake.

Make him walk under a ladder.

Invite all your friends over to watch Kon get beated, stabbed, sliced, punched to a bloody pulp by various females and angry ticked off males while laughing your ass off. Make sure when he dies that heaven kick him back down and hell gives him –for naruto fans: senin goroshi (thousand years of pain)- back up.

Make sure all this was a déjà vu.

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Mandy: mwahahaha so what do you think? It's no where as funny as the Mayuri one, since I don't have a grudge against him, but it was requested, so I decided to write it. Second one to the 'for dummies series' well hope you liked it. As you probably figured out by now, I'm a major Naruto fan as well as bleach fan. If you have any requests, feel free to ask, but how funny it is depends on how active my inspirational muses are. Ahhh, very useful thing, muses are. Quite annoying sometimes though. Yes, I know I do have grammer issues, but hey, at least you can understand what I'm typing. Screw Grammer! (And in my view, cussing is part of freedom of speech.)


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